Relationship Responsibility - "You made me feel ---." 03/19/2010

1 Comment

 

Last time we talked about why challenges were a good thing in a relationship or marriage.

I said that there were four great things about challenges. Challenges are opportunities to learn about, build and experience a quality relationship. Challenges are a way of measuring good and bad, a life reflection tool. Challenges give us the chance to be a better, happier and more confidant person. And last but not least, marriage/ relationship challenges  show us that we are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

I promised that we would go further into this area of challenges in our relationships and give you some tips. I left of with focusing on the breathing.

WHEN CONFLICT APPEARS REMEMBER YOUR BREATH - TIME OUT

Anybody, who seriously works with people having problems in marriages and relationships, will tell you that when conflict begins it  is advisable to put some space between the events and the emotions. You can do this by focusing on the breath or by excusing yourself to go out of the room for a cool down or a 10 minute walking meditation.

When we think we are right and the other is wrong it is a quick  button push to intense and habitual emotions. and conflict. This, as you have no doubt experienced,  can lead to rough and angry weather and loss of understanding for each other.

WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT OR HAPPY

 Here is what I recommend you do when things start to build up and be intense. You know the warning feelings.. Stop talking and defending and attacking, At that point remember your breathing.

 Stop and breath in slowly and deeply staying focused on your in breath. Feel it and follow it in. Then breath out slowly and fully, focused on your out breath follow it and feel it pass out of you. Concentrate fully on breathing.Nothing else. No thoughts about the "issue". Do this in and out slowly and deeply, at least three times.

Pause and smile to yourself and ask yourself whether you want to create this problem or not?

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS

 Here you have a perfect chance to remind yourself that you and only you are responsible for your own thoughts and behaviors. Only you have control over your thoughts and behaviors. You do not control the other persons thoughts and behaviors either,  even if you try to at times or believe that you can. At least , not in a relationship most of us would like to experience.

Learning and accepting  that we are totally responsible for our own thoughts and behaviors is an enormously powerful reality to get a grip on. This gives you immense freedom and power to experience the quality relationship and life you will have. It allows you to control the only things you can control, your thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.

I do not have enough space or time to fully cover this issue here. It could take a book in itself to truly cover all the angles. Trust me and my knowledge that this is one of the most powerful tips that you could learn to improve your life, married or otherwise. Take responsibility for yourself and the corollary of that is ----? What?

You do know the answer to this question. What is the opposite to taking personal responsibility?

The answer?

YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE

Do not blame others for how you feel, think or behave! It is not their fault. They have Not caused the problem. You have chosen to see it as it is for yourself: You always have a choice a to how you think , feel and behave.

This is a very big bite to chew on so I am going to leave it with you to think about. Was it her or him that made me feel like this? Or, was it my choices that made me feel and act like I did?

In the near future I will have a short 3 weeks course on "How to Have a Quality Relationship". For free. All it will take will be your email address which I will ask fo at a later date. I will then mail out one lesson per week - FREE- no credit card number required.

Stay healthy, happy and be responsible. Remember, you always have a choice.

Much love and light, your friend Bob

 

Challenges Make Marriages Mighty 03/03/2010

0 Comments

 

 It is said that if you aren't challenged you are not growing.

If you are not growing, your not learning and your getting stagnant. Like an old pond of water that has pretty much died from lack of light , oxygen and fresh water.

I have heard friends and clients sometimes say something like, "I have had enough of these challenges!"  Or," I can't stand these ups and downs! " Maybe, " If only life would just level out a little."

Whatever the story, the sentiment is the same. People often do not like challenges in their life, relationships and jobs. But is there something positive about all these challenges? Is there something worthwhile?

Absolutely  yes! What, you say to me, are these positives then?

Well here they are.

1)A relationship is always made of ups and downs and the way you learn to handle the downs will determine the quality of your relationship. No question, no debate. This is a fact. So challenges are an opportunity to build and  experience a quality marriage /relationship .They are an opportunity to learn how to get it right, to find balance and happiness in your marriage and relationships. Or the challenges can be further proof that your life isn't good and you can blame  yourself or others  yet again. What do you want?

2)Challenges are measuring tools so we can see how good life can actually be when  compared to the "whoops, here we are times!" In other words we can see what is good and bad by the differences and the pain involved.

3) Challenges make us into a better , happier and more confident person by allowing us to learn about how we can change our thinking and behaviors and therefore our life. We can just learn to change and that change is available to all of us.

4) Challenges in our relationships and marriages teach us that we are responsible for our  thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It is not the other person, but us that is responsible. Being responsible for our own stuff we learn to use our power to direct our lives in a happier and more successful way.

So, next time things heat up a little bit take 3 deep and slow in and out breaths and smile to yourself and ask "Do I want to keep creating this?" If your answer is NO,  then tune in next time for some How to Fix My Relationship or Marriage tips.

To your health, happiness and wholeness, your friend Robert.

 

Happy New Year - Five Life Lessons 01/01/2010

1 Comment

 

Happy New Year to all.

I received the following post in an email from a friend. I have no idea who wrote it so I can't acknowledge them even though I would like to.Some of the lessons you may recognize from other places and times.

Go ahead, read it!

            1  - First Life Lesson - Remember People.

During  my second month of college, our  professor gave us a pop quiz. I was  a conscientious student  and  had breezed through the questions until I  read the last  one:

"What is the first name  of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind  of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several  times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her  50's, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper,  leaving the last question
blank. Just before class  ended, one student asked if  the last question would  count toward our quiz grade....

"Absolutely, " said the  professor. "In your careers,you will meet many  people.  All are significant.. They deserve your attention  and care, even if all you do is smile and say  "hello."

I've  never forgotten that lesson.. I also learned  her name was  Dorothy.  
2.  - Second Life Lesson - Help Everybody

One  night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African  American woman was standing on the  side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a  lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she  desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided  to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped  to help her, generally unheard of in those  conflict-filled 19 60's. The man took her to safety,  helped her get assistance and put her into a  taxicab.

She  seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down  his  address  and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's  door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV  was delivered to his home. A special note was  attached.

It  read:

"Thank  you so much for assisting me on the highway  the other night. The rain  drenched not only my clothes, but also my  spirits.  Then you came along.

Because of you, I was  able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just  before he passed away... God Bless you for helping me  and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat  King  Cole. 

3  - Third Life Lesson -  remember those who  serve.

In  the days when an ice  cream sundae cost much  less,a 10-year-old boy entered  a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A  waitress put a glass of water in front of  him.

"How  much is an ice cream sundae?" he  asked.

"Fifty cents," replied  the waitress.


The  little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket  and studied  the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a  plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were  waiting for a table and the waitress was growing  impatient.. 

"Thirty-five cents," she  brusquely replied.

The little boy again  counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice  cream," he said.

The waitress brought the  ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away  The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier  and left. 

When the waitress came back, she began to  cry as she wiped down the table.  There,  placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five  pennies.

You  see,  he couldn't  have the sundae, because he  had to have  enough left to leave her a  tip.
 
4  - Fourth Life Lesson. -  Obstacles  are Opportunities. 
In  ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on  a roadway.  Then he  hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the  huge rock.

 Some of the King's wealthiest  merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around  it.  Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the  roads clear, but none did anything about getting  the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along  carrying a load of vegetables.  Upon  approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his  burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the  road.  After much pushing and straining, he finally  succeeded.

After the peasant picked up his  load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road  where the boulder had been. The purse contained  many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating  that the gold was for the person who removed the  boulder from the roadway.

 The peasant learned what many  of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents  an opportunity to improve our  condition.

 5  - Fifth Life Lesson - Give Heartfully.

Many  years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I  got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering  from a rare & serious disease.

 Her only chance of  recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who  had miraculously survived the same disease and  had developed the antibodies needed to combat  the illness.

 The doctor explained the  situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if  he would be  willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him  hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath  and say, "Yes I'll do it if it will save  her." 

 As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to  his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing  the  color returning to her cheek... Then his face  grew  pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with  a
trembling  voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young,  the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to  give his sister all of his blood in order to save  her.

Now  you have choices.

Most  importantly.... "Work like you
don't need the money, love like you've never  been hurt,  and dance like you do when nobody's  watching."



Have a wonderful New Year an dance through each day as if it was your last.

Love,health and happiness, Robert

 

Marriage and Relationship Repair 12/23/2009

0 Comments

 

  In the last post I talked about why a relationship falls apart and why a marriage breaks down. I suggested two ways to begin to repair your relationship or have a happier marriage.

You can learn to be more aware of your thoughts and habits/behaviors. You can learn how your partners’ thinking and behavior is quite different than yours’ as a man or a woman. I recommend starting with the last one first as it is quickest and easiest to get a grip on.

For the most part men and women think and therefore behave differently in relationships. That is no surprise, right.” Vive la difference!” say the French. Long live the difference means the difference is wonderful but that does not mean it is always easy to live in a balanced and happy marriage. Sometimes we think we get it but we don’t.

Again, we think we really understand that difference. Do we truly?

The answer is no. Why?

Simply this. We have been raised as a man or woman and have all the programming that goes with it. As a woman you have beliefs about how men are and how they think. As a man you have the male’s version of how women think and behave. To make matters worse, you believe that they should think and act like you. And to really put things out of balance, you do not (besides the exceptional few) really understand how your partner thinks and acts and why.

What I am saying here is that the way your partner responds to you or behaves or talks is not always what you believe it is. For example, women like to talk about their feelings more than men and have a desire to be heard not fixed. Men, when they hear their partner speaking about a difficulty they wish to fix it as a normal behavior

Along the way of “growing up” you as a man or woman learn certain biases or prejudices about the opposite sex. You can already see this in very young children. But you do not learn how the opposite sex truly thinks and behaves normally in a relationship. You can easily see the problem for the marriage. Both people feel misunderstood, unappreciated and eventually unloved. Frustration reigns instead of love and understanding.

I recommend that you read John Grays’ “Men are From Mars : Women are From Venus” which explains the why and how in a very clear way.

Think about this lack of understanding we have for our opposite number and how that creates the potential for unnecessary relationship clashes.

Next post I will talk a bit about why our unconscious thoughts and behaviors affect our relationships and how you can begin to change this. In the post following that I will summarize some of the main points John Gray puts forth on the why and give you some tips on how to fix that in yourself.

A little reminder, “you can control your own thoughts and behaviours but you can’t really control the others’.

In health, happiness and love, Bob

Copyright: Robert Tewsley 2009

 

Why Marriages Fall Apart and How to Put Them Together Again 12/18/2009

0 Comments

 

 Why Marriages Fall Apart and How to Put Them Together Again

Have you ever wondered why everything can be so wonderful one day and the very next day it is suddenly chaos and conflict? One moment you can be very happy in your marriage or relationship and a few minutes after the thought, “Life is so good.” everything seems to suddenly go out of balance.

Sometime it is such a shock, as if a gang of gorillas broke into your home and you know they are in the wrong house but can’t understand how they got into the kitchen.

I have discovered that this is because of two things; a lack of awareness about our thoughts beliefs and behaviors and a lack of information about our partner or the situation.

These thoughts and beliefs and the corresponding behaviors or habits are for most people unconscious and automatic. Somebody says or does something, your partner, children, neighbor, parents etc or an event happens and BANG your buttons get pushed.

Suddenly you react to your present situation based on past thoughts, beliefs, experiences and behaviors. In addition, you do not understand your partners’ behaviors and way of thinking and think they should behave and think like you.  Combine these two and before you know it you are right in the middle of what you hoped wouldn’t happen again. You are arguing, saying or doing unkind or rude things, angry, crying or feeling criticized or disrespected.

There are two approaches to fix this situation and to save your marriage or relationship. First, you can learn to be more aware of your thoughts and habits/behaviors. Second, you can learn how your partners’ typical thinking and behavior is quite different than yours’. I recommend starting with the last one first as it is quickest and easiest to get a grip on.

There is a third technique, which is very powerful, the ultimate method,and should be used together with the above two methods. This is the concept of learning to communicate fully with your partner. Many of us think that we already know how to do this but I assure you that you most likely don’t really get it! Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.

So these techniques are what you can do to save your marriage, to rescue your relationship or build a happier life. Having said what works, HOW do you do it. How do you change your relationship into that wonderful possibility it truly can be?

This will be the subject of future blog posts and as well see discussions in the Free Forum and share your challenges and experience.

 

In health, happiness and love

Copyright: Robert Tewsley 2009

 

The Issues Are In the Tissues - Feelings and the Body 12/06/2009

1 Comment